NOTICE

Since the lovely Parcbench has taken my name off all posts and begun deleting them I am saving old Parcbench posts here. They will be noted as such. Please therefore do not be turned off by the conservative bias or dated topics.

- Miranda

Let's Talk Bastards

Has anyone else noticed that Social Conservatism seems to be flirting with an emotional meltdown? Belligerent and obviously mistaking drunken bathroom sex with The Devil as a direct flight to religious exoneration. While you may claim the word of G-d as your inspiration, if you blaspheme under a cloud of hypocrisy, then you have not only betrayed your cause but you have adulterated your own convictions with little but ignorance as an excuse.


Let’s take bastard children for example. The mere fact that Republicans (who make up the majority of Conservatives or vice versa) are a cocktail of zealots, non-believers, and realists; should be a red flag to anyone attempting to solidify a platform on this issue.

Judeo-Christians in opposition to any deviation from the traditional family can ramble on and on about homosexuals, stripper moms, and perpetuating cycles. And while their scripture most certainly supports their distaste for sodomy (or crustaceans; debatable translation) and premarital sex, it also demands a divine imitation of non-judgment and universal love.

Practice what you preach. The dimples or tears of a child without a father (or one that has two) are adored by G-d with just as much grace and expectation as those who abide by their standards. Their scripture addresses the cause of single parenthood but not the effect. We’ll allow them their malicious testimony if they can cite anything to the contrary.

Until then however, perhaps they should consider introducing preventative sex education alongside abstinence. Young ladies should be aware of the emotional battlefield they teeter on when they sell their soul to love, but should they not heed our warnings, perhaps they will consider their futures enough to protect them from a role of responsibility they are unprepared for.

Like it or not, if our government subsidized birth control with a dedication to privacy, then we would have fewer unplanned pregnancies. Which in an ideal world would condemn the abortion massacre to a position of ‘medical necessity’ as well as lowering the percentage of single parent homes significantly. Let’s be clear, NARAL reports that only 1.6% of abortions in America are for medical reasons, and that’s AFTER they grouped it with incest and rape (so that they could come up with a positive integer).

How does a conservative oppose abortion and illegimate children at the same time? “Well adoption of course.” Valid point, however, not everyone is capable of carrying a child for 9 months and then handing them off to a complete stranger. Look at Lisa Steinberg. And since voters are not currently included in the private decision making process (bummer) we are left responsible only for defining our own personal stand. Pro-choice or Pro-life.

And relax; those silly bumper sticker philosophies are just typical bored liberal provocation. You know the ones, “YOU CAN’T BE PRO-LIFE AND SUPPORT WAR”. Perhaps conservatives should have been a tad more critical when they put a label to the position. Something along the lines of ‘Anti-Infanticide, Pro-Birth, or Let’s Just Not Cut Up Live Fetuses Please’ would have been more appropriate.

However we have yet to find a politically biased time machine, so we’ll just have to live with that one for now (…for now). Until then find comfort in the fact that ‘my body my choice’ was a bad call as well. It’s not your body that winds up in the trash bag sliding towards the incinerator, is it? That it is a human body however is an inarguable fact, just not yours.

We support conscientious decision making in regards to one’s own body in so far as harm is not committed against an innocent bystander. If you murder someone we will execute you (choice). If you claim a Jihad on our children we will send The Marines (choice). If you want to hang yourself we’ll send flowers (choice). While it’s controversial, if you’re of sound mind and set on euthanasia then some of us might support that (choice). Sex makes babies, you made your choice as a willing participant, you still have two left (adoption & parenthood).

Single mothers are young women who take responsibility for their actions by hopefully growing up long before their time, manning up, and allowing their children the same benefits available to their traditionally conceived peers. It’s not easy ladies. It’s double the work with one less teammate and no one’s going to give you a pat on the back for crossing the finish line solo.

However, a father does not guarantee any sort of leg up in life. In fact, a little girl is far better off being raised by her mother with three jobs and wrinkles at 19 than if she had a daddy who beat, raped, and taught her a self worth that was drastically askew.

Conservatives, this world doesn’t belong to us. It belongs to the children. It is our responsibility to do anything and everything we can to afford them the future they deserve. And it is our challenge to accept them regardless of the conditions of their birth. We’re not condoning a society built on hand-outs, we’re fighting for a world with more hand-holding.

If you can’t get past the prejudices that your own parents instilled in you, then you will turn our efforts into a source of public mockery, even going so far as to pit us against one another. Social labeling is irrelevant. Our children are not. I will abandon you before I turn my back on them. The Revolution is Underway, Stand Up or Step Back.

Stalin Busts Up National D-Day Memorial

Citizens who attended the unveiling of our Nation’s Official D-Day Memorial in Bedford this past week looked forward to honoring the fallen with family members, boozed up strangers and national brethren alike. Unfortunately, as individuals locked their gazes with that of the infamous butcher Stalin, alcohol levels weren’t the only thing on the rise.


Taking a cue from Big Daddy, onlookers channeled their best rendition of audacity as they attempted to legitimately be ’surprised’ by the inclusion of one of the greatest villains in History (a pawn though he was). Audacity turned to disgust, disgust to contempt, and finally, contempt evolved into proactive discontent. Not only have local lawmakers been bogged down with phone calls and emails demanding the removal of the Stalin shout-out, but multiple embassies have been distressed by an overflow of complaints from their respective communities. Europeans are particularly appalled as they have spent decades attempting to erase any trace of communist paraphernalia from their public areas.

Officials hope that the inscription below the bust will fend off activists for as long as it can, it reads:

“In memory of the tens of millions who died under Stalin’s rule and in tribute to all whose valor, fidelity, and sacrifice denied him and his successors victory in the cold war.”

*Image from DotPenn.com

Poland Chemically Castrates Pedophiles

Poland’s new efforts to combat pedophilia and incest have officially gone into effect. Last September new stipulations for sentencing and probation were approved after a 2 year uphill battle for reform triggered by a 45 yr old man who held his 21 yr old daughter captive and fathered her two children. Yeah, that’s the type of world we live in. We also now live in a world where a country can offer sex offenders and a concerned public the best possible option for both help and healing. Second best to justice, which looks more like an island of eunuchs making sneakers; we still have a ways to go.


Chemical castration is a non invasive procedure which stunts the sex drive and, if successful, makes it difficult if not impossible for the participant to become aroused. Due to the ambiguous wording of this new legislation, it is possible for an ambitious young lawyer to secure psychological therapy for their client instead.

an offender “can be obliged by a court ruling to undergo pharmaceutical and psychological therapy in order to reduce sex drive.”

Let’s just hope the moral integrity of Polish attorneys can outshine their love for imported cars. 

World Take Notice: lines are being drawn, sides are being taken, stand on the right side of justice. Human right advocates will take heed to stand on the side of the victim and avoid picket whinge-a-thons on behalf of individuals convicted of thieving the innocence of our children, at a price we simply cannot afford to pay. 

How To Castrate a Polish Pedophile Guide 

'Follow The Islamic Way To Save The World' Says Prince Charles

Over the years as we've reveled in one of our favorite past time games 'Prince Charles Say', there has been a wide array of inane borderline IQ thieving quotations solely enjoyable thanks to some stuttering heavy accented impersonation or another. Unbelievably, it looks as if this year the reining favorites (which tend to be focused around his trading the love of a lady for that of night creeper - publicly) will have to bow out for a new replacement. The best part - ITS TRUE!

The man who will inherit the Church of England, much to the chagrin of the majority of the world, recently spoke to The Oxford Centre of Islamic Studies, of which he is a patron. In this forum he took the opportunity to plagiarize Gore and urge the world to follow the teaching of Islam in order to save the planet from environmental destruction.

'The inconvenient truth' ...

(Yeah that's all we're including. We'll just take a cue from the actual audience as pictured below and take a napsie.)

Epitaph for the Guitar Man

Go ahead,
Revere your calloused fingers as a monument to your art
Wear your heart on your sleeve as long as the crowd is still dwindling down
Just as long as humanity remains a guessing game for suckers
A few broken souls will surely buy into your plea for directions and stick around.
But you’re not lost,
You’re pulled over somewhere between a u-turn and a turn-off
And if you can’t tear your stupid beautiful eyes away from the reflective glass
You’ll run into a warning sign
Still, if a crash is the master plan I hope you step on the gas.
Dedicate another song to the girl who sleeps to see you
Abuse another quotation to break her heart
Reach right in and cradle it as it races towards a supernova
She’ll thank you if-
She imagines romance while you’re inside her
She’ll hide behind her eyelids till she forgets that you can’t feel anything with your fingertips.
Play another cover and pretend it’s meant for someone
But only if the satellites will flatter the laugh you fake for her sake
And only say you love her if you don’t have to keep a straight face.
Cover your bases
Place bets on both of you before the other runs away
And autograph as many shards of your words as you can
Before you choke on them.
And three rounds down it’s clear
It’s not your depth that keeps you at a distance
And not my smile that holds you here
I can’t blame your guitar for stealing your heart
It’s not your callouses that keep you from feeling mine as it pauses
And forgets to start
You’re just callous.

Today is a Perfect Day For Bananafish

Every last guy I've ever known well, (which obviously includes each and every boy I've deliberately tortured in the name of a relationship) has claimed the same book as a personal favorite. What is it with Catcher in the Rye?

How many times will I read Nine Stories?

Who commits to a favorite book and doesn't follow up with the author? How can you be a twenty-something American without knowing who Uncle Wiggily is and why he's in Connecticut.

"You know what your thing is," there was epic eye contact "you don't think anyone can figure you out."

...and why would anyone assume I'm opposed to Euthanasia, Suicide or other forms of taking control over one's body? My body my choice. - answered that one for myself.

Do you think they use alphabetical order when filing fetal consent forms?

It's a good thing life is full of surprises, otherwords I'd have to implore my hazardous imagination. Big trouble, Good times, Cheap adjectives.